Shades Of Love
What is love really?
What does it mean to love someone?
How does it feel to love another?
Three questions I have asked myself for the past three years of my marriage. I thought marriage was meant to symbolize love between two people.
What Adams and i have is not love, I don’t know if it has a name or its just two adults living together. Before our marriage we were best friends, we did everything together.
Adams parents were friends with my parents, his mum was a doctor in a hospital where my mum was a nurse and his dad and mine where lawyers, so they had a connection between them that made them build a long lasting relationship that lasted for a very long time.
My mum gave birth to me when Adams was two, we hung out together when our parent were having adult talk and stuffs which children didn’t understand. My mum named me Hadassah, which was her mother’s name and Adams was named after his grandfather who was a famous sculpture known all over Italy.
We went to the same school, we played together and he always protected me from bullies. He was very attractive and every girl in school had a crush on him that they would pick on me because they were jealous of our relationship, he was always by my side all the time. When I was sixteen, I had my first heart break during prom.
“It’s over between us” Chris said. He was Adam’s friend, they were close too and he was my first boyfriend. I liked him a lot.
“Why? What did I do wrong? I thought we were okay”
“I just don’t feel our connection anymore, I am really sorry Hades” he had the guts to call me that name. Adam came up with that nickname, he does not have the right to call me that while breaking up with me.
“Get away from me you Asshole” after he left I went home without even talking to anyone. I cried a lot, I was so heartbroken and sad. I didn’t even talk to Adams about it.
When I got to school the next day, I got to the hallway and I saw a crowd of people, you know the type of crowd that shows there was fight. So I went closer and I couldn’t believe my eyes. Adams was on top Chris, punching him really hard and then he said
“Don’t you ever go near her again and as from today, we are not friends. You can go to hell for all I care” then he threw one last punch.
I stood there frozen like I was hit by a hurricane, the first thing that ran throw my mind was how he found out about our break up. I didn’t tell him. I was still standing there when Adams approached and asked if I was ok. I later found out that day that Chris was seeing someone else way before he broke up with me and Adam found out, when he questioned him about it, he said he already broke up with me and before he finished his story Adams hit him.
Adams did that to every guy that broke my heart in high school. We were so close and we went through everything together. Even when he loosed his mom to a brain tumor, he was so sad and heartbroken, his dad didn’t take it well too, but they had us to look out for them during that period.
After a few years later Adams went to an art school in Italy to study sculpture and painting while I went to med school. A year before I graduated I got engaged to a fellow med student, Nickolas who later broke off the engagement because he mum didn’t approve.
Adams and I communicated from time to time and we visited each other when we were free. I swore myself off men after my break up with Nick and I promised myself to live my life to the fullest. When I graduated med school, I went back home and got a job at the same hospital my mum. Adams was having his first exhibition in France and he invited my parent and me, so we board a plan to France two days to the occasion. We had a small celebration the night before his exhibition.
“Congratulations Adams am so proud of you” my mum said to him.
“Thanks Alice am glad you guys made it here, it means a lot to me”
We were still talking when my parents and his dad diverted to politics. Adams and I moved away to another table like we used to do when we were little when our parents start talking about things that wasn’t our business.
“Hades, I missed you so much” he said while squashing the life out of me in a hug.
“I miss you too” I said while hugging him back. I really missed him, I haven’t talked since for past six months because he was so busy planning the exhibition and all.
“How have you been?”
“Well, I have been coping, what about you? How is Kate? “Kate is the Russian girl he’s dating, he sent pictures of her to me months ago.
“Ahhh, we broke up last month”
“Am so sorry” I said trying to ease him up, because I knew he cared about her. “What happened?”
“She wanted to move back to Russia and we both agreed it would be better if we ended things but am fine.” Of course he is.
“Ok, so how do you feel about tomorrow, are you nervous?”
“Nope, this maybe my first time but it’s like I have done this before. Did that make any sense?”
I just had to laugh “no, it doesn’t but you will be fine I know that for sure”
“And you, any relationship now?” the question I was avoiding.
“Nah, I think am done with men”
“You will be twenty four next week, are you sure you don’t want a boyfriend as a present” he said trying to be funny, he has always find a way to cheer me up when I start to get sad.
That night we talked about everything, we stayed behind after our parent left and discussed about what has been happening in our lives. We ended up getting drunk and making out that night, it was a stupid mistake but we enjoyed it.
The next morning, I was expecting things to get awkward between us but fortunately it didn’t, we acted normal. We went for the exhibition and all the painting and sculptors where really beautiful, one of them was a painting of his mum, it was the one taken from when she was on the hospital bed, looking weak and sick but she gave a good smile, it was titled “Beautiful Waves”.
I understood the painting the moment I set my eyes on it. After what seemed like forever, the event finally finished and every single one of his work sold out, his dad bought the one of his mum.
During the evening we went out to see the Eiffel tower, after a long walk of silence. Adams finally brought up the kiss.
“Are we going to keep acting like nothing happened “
“What happened?” I asked trying hard not to make it awkward.
“It’s not funny, am serious” he said trying not to laugh.
“There is nothing there to talk about really, we were drunk”
“I know, but you felt something between us right?” of course I did. It’s obvious we were attracted to each other.
“Yes I did but it doesn’t mean anything”
“Yes it did”
“I know what you are about to suggest, but it’s a bad idea, what if it doesn’t work and then our friendship would be destroyed “ that’s the last thing I wanted, I can’t afford to lose him.
“What if it was meant to be and we ignore it, we have been friends for like forever, even if it doesn’t work, we will figure it out, let give it a try “
Deep down I knew it was a bad Idea but I wanted this too.
“Okay, let try this and see how it goes.
We dated for a year, we had ups and downs but we went through it together. Things worked out fine and then we thought we would get married and our parents supported us through out. After the wedding we moved to England and started our life together. The first year of our marriage went fine but we knew something was missing instead of finding the missing piece we ignored it.
After that things went from caring to awkward slowly. All we do now is wake up in the morning without talking to each other, I go to work and he goes to his studio and work all day. We go to bed without saying anything, we didn’t talk much now. We act like roommates, even when I called my mum and told her what was going on, she said to me.
“It happens in every marriage, darling. You both can handle it, don’t give up”
I tried but nothing worked, we just didn’t have something, and that was love, of course we cared for each other but that’s not enough. It has always being there but now it’s clear that we misunderstood the friendship love for a relationship. There was never love, it was just us being thinking us been friends from day one was enough to become a couple and now that friendship has been destroyed, my fear had come to pass.
I wish I understood the invisible writing better when it said not all friendship turns to a relationship. I guess now we are just going to keep our promise to each other, the promise that we would work it out or the last option would be a divorce which I would hate so much.
I just really wish we would communicate, which is the most important ingredient of any relationship and we are missing it.